Tuesday, June 06, 2006

got milk?

For a dude who writes so much, some find it odd that I don't do much reading. I have read the odd novel in my lifetime (Kane and Abel; Honor Amongst Thieves; Jurassic Park; the Rodman book; the Beckham book; The Lovely Bones etc) but I don't really have the patience nor attention span to sit down with a thick journal. I don't do newspapers even. I may skim through the sports and entertainment sections and the cartoons but that's about it, as I am always on the move doing absolutely naff all! What I do indulge in, however, are magazines. Read through my profile and you will get a rundown. FHM is my favorite. That might clue some into why I write like I do. Most see it as soft porn but I tend to disagree. Yes, it does present many scantily clad (more naked these days) hotties but if you look beyond all that (some will ask why) then you will find that there is some very interesting information in that hilarious publication. It is, in essence, a magazine for him as it covers all things that interest men; and gorgeous women (the less clothed the better) just happen to top the pile and are pleasant to look at anyway. I have an older cousin who enjoys reading my FHMs. It is always a bit of a struggle as I re-iterate that it is For Him Magazine and not For Her Magazine but she enjoys them anyway, saying they aren't half bad at all. If a mother of two's stamp of approval is not enough, here's another example. It is an article I found in the 100 Sexiest Issue (June 2006) (by the way, I feel sad for all the men that voted Keira Knightley as sexiest woman but that's for another blog) and I thought it was extremely hilarious but also life saving. Truth in jest like I like to say. Anyway, here goes it and men and women alike:

Breast Pay Attention!

A reader sent in his letter with the following newspaper clipping attached. Sadly, the newspaper was not named but someone else may have actually come across it and have some insight to pursue how true it really is. Searching the New England Journal of Medicine website (as Nigerian journalists love to say) proved abortive. Maybe you'll have some luck. Anyway, here is the article, re-typed for your reading pleasure:

An eyeful a day keeps the doctor away


STARING at women’s breasts is good for men’s health and makes them live longer, a new survey reveals.
Researchers have discovered that a 10-minute ogle at women’s breasts is as healthy as half-an-hour in the gym.
A five-year study of 200 men found that those who enjoyed a longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure, less heart disease and slower pulse rates compared to those who did not get their daily eyeful.
Dr. Karen Weatherby, who carried out the German study, wrote in the New England Journal of Medicine: “Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout.
“Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. “There is no question that gazing at breasts makes men healthier.
“Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half.
“We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.”

Can you actually believe this? I know I am a confirmed looney but I promise I did not come up with this one. This is hilarious! This is validation for going to strip clubs, you know ladies? On a smaller scale, however, the chick at the bar or in the club shouldn't get mad any longer when you're copping an eyeful, eh fellas? I was in stictches when I read this and just had to pause to type it out. I ask again: CAN YOU REALLY BELIEVE IT?

Why I was trying so hard to find the original link is because it didn't mention if staring at real or "enhanced" ones made any difference? I mean, it is a valid question, no? And do you have to stare at bare breasts, cleavages, covered boobs or all of the above? And does it work for women as well? i.e. staring at boobs or men's chests (sure the preferred would be penises but I still don't equate the two [or three or five, geddit?]), will that prolong their lives as well? This research does sound very far fetched but stranger things have happened.

I have read somewhere (more likely heard as reading is not big with me) that sex can be healthy and Cosmo says it helps burn calories (or was that kilojoules) better than most organized workouts, so this might be loosely related. Hence, is the researcher trying to say that constant arousal can increase lifespan or it is the prolonged ogling at mammaries, exclusively, that yields such returns? It is too bizarre to compute. I doubt though, that it is an issue of arousal because staring at breasts does not (always) cause trouser tantrums, just the mental appreciation of a nicely rounded pair.

By default, we are all attached to breasts and there is no escaping them. As our first source of nutrients, we are forever attached to them, be us male or female. Is this the rationale behind even thinking about linking breasts to life extension? Thinking from left field as always, that is why I can even come up with these postulations in the 1st place. I'm sure most will just dismiss the fact as utter rubbish while others will just take in its humor and leave it at that. But I, like the dude (what's his face again) that wouldn't just accept that an apple fell on his head and move on, must get to the bottom (or the top as the case may be) of this! A journey in futility, you say? I agree but still, I feel I must!

From another POV, unhealthy, unfit slobs can use this to their advantage if it is indeed true. If you are meant to do 2 hours at the gym, 40 minutes of staring at the missus, watching after hours Channel U, Baywatch re-runs, porn or thumbing through grot mags should do you some good, eh? The absurdity of it all is simply mind blowing! Forget the Bread of Life, people will now seek the more accesible Breasts of Life! (Perhaps a touchy joke but you know what I mean! If you don't, I have sense of humor in excess and you can have some).

Moving on, if looking adds four to five years, does touching fetch you 12 to 15? What about adult "breast feeding"? Does that score you half a century extra? Does skin color, race or size matter? Does looking at a heaving bosom work better than checking out a static one? Does anyone know any of the 200 blokes studied? Think about it, what are the real parameters to this study? If anyone can find the original study, please be sure to get back to me as there must be some deeper explanation; or if you are knowledgeable on the subject, please holla @ a brother. I need to be kept abreast on what is going on!

These are just a few of my thoughts on my interesting find! What I do feel will happen in real life, however, regardless of whether this research is concrete or just hogwash (Medicine is hard work, they too need comic relief once in a while) is the reduction of lifespan in males. How do I mean? You go about ogling tits with some medical research as your insurance policy and them knockers will be the reason you got knocked out! Even the extra flirtatious girl will feel seriously violated if some (or a lot, really) perve is all up in her puppy pouch! She'll kick the shite out of you!

And this just in(to my warped mind), live from Left Field! Getting knocked out might work in your favor because you can ogle at the nurses' baps all you want, as you will be confined to a bed and not able to do much else really. And if any of them proves difficult, assure her that the medical research clearly shows this will aid a speedy recovery. No?

And back to our earlier scheduled reporting. Staring endlessly at breasts could also lead to your not looking forward while crossing the road and SPLAT! the 18 wheeler you never saw coming ended what was meant to be the start of 5 extra years, or less gruesome, you could fall down a manhole! So this study is very relative and rather inconclusive if you ask me but ladies, do understand if I happen to avoid your eyes and focus my attention on your chesticles. It's all in the name of science!

And in closing, I will say the research finally uncovered a mystery to us men, though. After years of wondering, question asking and amateur sleuthing, it has finally been uncovered (pun intended)!

I now know Victoria's Secret!

G'nite everybody!


Blogger Endi said...

I've always believed that most so called scientists are "busybodies" and i have "extricated" my humble "me" from making meaning out of their research.Dont be suprised tha day u will hear that "it has been revealed that abstaining from food reduces the risk of catching HIV/AIDS". Sounds outrageous? Hmm...take me on a bet...Anyway, nicest blog you have here...Am sulking...Quite unfortunate am a scientist myself!

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Blogger Don Chi as Blog Marley a.k.a. El Senor Supremo said...

muchos gracias endi. i won't take that bet because it may happen sooner than you reckon. u seem cool but i'm beefing scientists right now. HOW CAN YA'LL HATE ON PLUTO???

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