Friday, October 27, 2006

bad ass chick

Foxy Brown (Pam Grier, not Inga). Wonder Woman. Catwoman. Cory Everson. Grace Jones. Charli Baltimore (Geena Davis, not powder face). Sheena. The Bride. Oren Ishii. Cleopatra.

The list goes on. But what all these women have something in common. They are all down ass, bad ass, take shizz from no man, ride or die chicks! If you call anyone of them a bitch, you're not wrong because every chick on this list (and similar chicks that aren't on it) is a Babe In Total Control of Herself. They have brought men down to their knees and made the realest thug (Total Hass, Utter Goon) nucca cry. Stand Up chicks that can hold their heads high wherever they go and get the respect they deserve.

Whatever the situation calls for, Lady, Freak, Gangsta, Mother, you name it, she got it on lock! Power to these already immensly powerful women. You have all done womenfolk everywhere proud. When men try to hold women down, all ya'll have to do is look up to these icons who have come before you and repped hard. Unleash your dragon, lose yourself and become a BAD ASS CHICK! Word is bond! Girl Power baby!

However, I am here to talk about the baddest chick! She is not on that list above. She's too gangsta for TV fo'sheezee! This chick is the top bird ever! Proof positive that you really can't hold a bad chick down. She has made it through the rain, literally, and survived the worst of the worst. She's so hard, I actually thought she was dead when I didn't see her for a minute but she was just laying low, doing her thing. I'm sure you're all wondering who this chick is and what she's done that makes her so hard. Well, I'ma tell ya.

She came into our lives (my family) approximately a year ago and when she arrived, I figured she was around for Christmas. I looked at her and honestly, fantasized what the yuletide would be like with her around. I smiled then didn't think much more about it. I just let her be.

Then, we got wind of the bird flu epidemic. It did cause a lot of worry because of all the implications but bad ass chick Shirley? She wasn't fazed at all. She just shrugged at the notion, brushed the dirt off her shoulder and kept on doing her daily grinding. I thought she was really confident and that's when I started paying more attention.

Then Christmas rolled around. Finally, I thought. But she was nowhere to be found. Not at the dinner table, not in the kitchen and not outside. That's odd, I thought. Instead, there was some other chick there but clearly not bad ass at all but we made do with her at the table. Ah well.

New Year rolled around and she showed up but still didn't come through. And the way she'd just carry on with her biz and not care about anything around her was amazing. I was like, man, this chick is straight gangsta! I know I ain't messing with her ever! That's on the rest of you to do what you like. This bird clearly doesn't give a kcuf and she ain't coming to table.

Then all these Cats kept stepping to her and at night too! And with their rough, ungentlemanly approach to her, I thought they'd tear her apart but she's still standing! She is too hard, yo! For real! And these Cats keep coming night after night but I often hear them leaving, cursing at the moon it seems. It is hilarious but she is so bad ass.

Then this dude shows up, all Cock Deisel and shizz, feeling like he's the man. He's a buff looking dude and all and thinks he's got this on lock. Ain't no thing but a chicken wing, he appears to be saying. I watch to see how this ends up. Cock D tries all kindsa game but Shirl ma girl ain't having it. So we had to dead that. Pronto!

So, my birthday comes and goes. Shirley's still ain't sit at table. This is Feb 06.

My grandma's birthday? Nope! May 06.

My cousin's friend who stays with us? Na ahn! June 06

My cousin's birthday? Yeah, right! June 06

My brother and I get back from England and we're all sat at table, does she show? Hell no! August 06

My Aunt from Abuja that EVERYBODY loves comes through on her birthday but this bird still doesn't show up! August 06

And all the while, Cats have still been coming through, everynight too but chick won't budge. I actually saw one of them last night which is why I just had to blog about the ultimate bird.

So, for surviving bird flu, Christmas, New Year, 5 birthdays and a slew of cat attacks, I officially crown you, Shirley, the:


Christmas 2006 is just around the corner. Let's see how Ol' Girl Shirl deals with that one.

Later people. Blog Marley out! Period!

Monday, August 07, 2006

Calling Freddie Kruger…

I had a dream! Not quite like Dr. King, although, if he was a true, red blooded male, he must have had similar dreams… or fantasies at least. Anyway, as I was saying, I had a dream. A very vivid dream it was. It was a rather mild dream (as far as cinema ratings go, probably a PG-13 at worst) but had some erotic undertones. The object of my affection (or do I say attention) in this case was/is a good friend. I did not talk to her anytime close to the period of the dream; I did not see her or a look alike and she didn’t even cross my mind. So it was rather peculiar that she would be the star of my fantasy. Don’t get me wrong, she is a good looking African woman but due to the nature of our relationship, I have never looked at her in that way. I’d be lying if I say I never took in her figure and thought only if, I am human after all but I was not meant to be having such dreams about this person! I mean, Monica Bellucci ain’t dead is she? Tera Patrick still the bongo queen? Then bizarrely (and quite frightfully), she calls me later that evening out of the blue and I’m like, "oh no, this is too much!" So it actually led me to think and ask the question…

Are our dreams innocent?

I mean, seriously, what do you think? Like I said, I have never thought of her in that way (or never thought about taking it there as I have probably thought about every female I know in that way; only if I like to call it – I’M HUMAN YO! A dude at that) and it was just a dream, right? Well, that’s what has been puzzling me. I did go to see her that same evening after she called and actually asked her the above question. I didn’t give her any details about it, so if she reads this, she might want to know more since I was characteristically evasive when I brought it up (the politician in me, eh?) but hey.

Anyway, less deviation. So, I’d like to say it is just a dream but where do dreams come from? Our subconscious, yeah? My trusty Pocket Oxford Dictionary describes it thus:

subconscious —adj. of the part of the mind which is not fully conscious but influences actions etc. —n. this part of the mind.  subconsciously adv.

Based on that explanation, if it influences actions, does that mean I am likely to spring into action at any moment? That is, turn the dream into reality? Nothing happened by the way, as she had reservations about the whole thing, however, from the setting of the dream i.e. the positional situations (plus the fact it was mine), it woulda jumped off but the oddity of it all woke me up (and in true male fashion, I thought about it for all of two seconds, smiled, then turned on the PS2). I found it quite interesting and intriguing but forgot all about it… until she called of course.

I promised less deviation, no? I apologize (however, in deviation, where do I ask no or yes at the end of my statements? Geez Louise) for that and will carry on. What I am after is this:

Am I wrong for having a sexual dream about a friend? This blog is a generalization on dreams but since this particular dream sparked the fire, I have to use it as the guinea pig. I hadn’t thought about it before - conscious, subconscious or unconscious - but since it took place in my mind, does that mean it is a genuine desire I have? Or am I thinking on it too much? Or am I just a perve? Then there is the other angle which is seemingly unlikely but that is life. It’s like Kelly Rowland crooned:

“love lives in, strange places/it’s the obvious that never shows/it can find you/where you least expect it…”

So, question is: does that mean there might be love for us in our future? Or does she have to have the same dream for that to be what it means? I know I appear to be playing Joseph here but did you ever think about dreams? Sometimes they do become reality but on a grander scale, do we just take it as “in-flight entertainment to La La Land” and nothing else? I have been told I think too much and will be old before my time. Too late! I’ve been older than my age (already have the frail body of a tri-digit granny) since I could count. It is a silly inquisition that oddly makes some sense.

If I hadn’t received her phone call, I would have just concluded that I was a perve who had a naughty dream about his friend. Shame on you Chichi! But it was the phone call on the day that just sent my mind racing, wondering if it was a sign. It is summertime you know. The period for summer loving. I wonder… What do you think? I should stick to the perve conclusion and rent a life, yeah? I think so too… foolish Chichi.

However, if I have piqued your interest, feel free to drop a line and let me know how you feel.


Tuesday, June 06, 2006

got milk?

For a dude who writes so much, some find it odd that I don't do much reading. I have read the odd novel in my lifetime (Kane and Abel; Honor Amongst Thieves; Jurassic Park; the Rodman book; the Beckham book; The Lovely Bones etc) but I don't really have the patience nor attention span to sit down with a thick journal. I don't do newspapers even. I may skim through the sports and entertainment sections and the cartoons but that's about it, as I am always on the move doing absolutely naff all! What I do indulge in, however, are magazines. Read through my profile and you will get a rundown. FHM is my favorite. That might clue some into why I write like I do. Most see it as soft porn but I tend to disagree. Yes, it does present many scantily clad (more naked these days) hotties but if you look beyond all that (some will ask why) then you will find that there is some very interesting information in that hilarious publication. It is, in essence, a magazine for him as it covers all things that interest men; and gorgeous women (the less clothed the better) just happen to top the pile and are pleasant to look at anyway. I have an older cousin who enjoys reading my FHMs. It is always a bit of a struggle as I re-iterate that it is For Him Magazine and not For Her Magazine but she enjoys them anyway, saying they aren't half bad at all. If a mother of two's stamp of approval is not enough, here's another example. It is an article I found in the 100 Sexiest Issue (June 2006) (by the way, I feel sad for all the men that voted Keira Knightley as sexiest woman but that's for another blog) and I thought it was extremely hilarious but also life saving. Truth in jest like I like to say. Anyway, here goes it and men and women alike:

Breast Pay Attention!

A reader sent in his letter with the following newspaper clipping attached. Sadly, the newspaper was not named but someone else may have actually come across it and have some insight to pursue how true it really is. Searching the New England Journal of Medicine website (as Nigerian journalists love to say) proved abortive. Maybe you'll have some luck. Anyway, here is the article, re-typed for your reading pleasure:

An eyeful a day keeps the doctor away


STARING at women’s breasts is good for men’s health and makes them live longer, a new survey reveals.
Researchers have discovered that a 10-minute ogle at women’s breasts is as healthy as half-an-hour in the gym.
A five-year study of 200 men found that those who enjoyed a longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure, less heart disease and slower pulse rates compared to those who did not get their daily eyeful.
Dr. Karen Weatherby, who carried out the German study, wrote in the New England Journal of Medicine: “Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout.
“Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. “There is no question that gazing at breasts makes men healthier.
“Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half.
“We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.”

Can you actually believe this? I know I am a confirmed looney but I promise I did not come up with this one. This is hilarious! This is validation for going to strip clubs, you know ladies? On a smaller scale, however, the chick at the bar or in the club shouldn't get mad any longer when you're copping an eyeful, eh fellas? I was in stictches when I read this and just had to pause to type it out. I ask again: CAN YOU REALLY BELIEVE IT?

Why I was trying so hard to find the original link is because it didn't mention if staring at real or "enhanced" ones made any difference? I mean, it is a valid question, no? And do you have to stare at bare breasts, cleavages, covered boobs or all of the above? And does it work for women as well? i.e. staring at boobs or men's chests (sure the preferred would be penises but I still don't equate the two [or three or five, geddit?]), will that prolong their lives as well? This research does sound very far fetched but stranger things have happened.

I have read somewhere (more likely heard as reading is not big with me) that sex can be healthy and Cosmo says it helps burn calories (or was that kilojoules) better than most organized workouts, so this might be loosely related. Hence, is the researcher trying to say that constant arousal can increase lifespan or it is the prolonged ogling at mammaries, exclusively, that yields such returns? It is too bizarre to compute. I doubt though, that it is an issue of arousal because staring at breasts does not (always) cause trouser tantrums, just the mental appreciation of a nicely rounded pair.

By default, we are all attached to breasts and there is no escaping them. As our first source of nutrients, we are forever attached to them, be us male or female. Is this the rationale behind even thinking about linking breasts to life extension? Thinking from left field as always, that is why I can even come up with these postulations in the 1st place. I'm sure most will just dismiss the fact as utter rubbish while others will just take in its humor and leave it at that. But I, like the dude (what's his face again) that wouldn't just accept that an apple fell on his head and move on, must get to the bottom (or the top as the case may be) of this! A journey in futility, you say? I agree but still, I feel I must!

From another POV, unhealthy, unfit slobs can use this to their advantage if it is indeed true. If you are meant to do 2 hours at the gym, 40 minutes of staring at the missus, watching after hours Channel U, Baywatch re-runs, porn or thumbing through grot mags should do you some good, eh? The absurdity of it all is simply mind blowing! Forget the Bread of Life, people will now seek the more accesible Breasts of Life! (Perhaps a touchy joke but you know what I mean! If you don't, I have sense of humor in excess and you can have some).

Moving on, if looking adds four to five years, does touching fetch you 12 to 15? What about adult "breast feeding"? Does that score you half a century extra? Does skin color, race or size matter? Does looking at a heaving bosom work better than checking out a static one? Does anyone know any of the 200 blokes studied? Think about it, what are the real parameters to this study? If anyone can find the original study, please be sure to get back to me as there must be some deeper explanation; or if you are knowledgeable on the subject, please holla @ a brother. I need to be kept abreast on what is going on!

These are just a few of my thoughts on my interesting find! What I do feel will happen in real life, however, regardless of whether this research is concrete or just hogwash (Medicine is hard work, they too need comic relief once in a while) is the reduction of lifespan in males. How do I mean? You go about ogling tits with some medical research as your insurance policy and them knockers will be the reason you got knocked out! Even the extra flirtatious girl will feel seriously violated if some (or a lot, really) perve is all up in her puppy pouch! She'll kick the shite out of you!

And this just in(to my warped mind), live from Left Field! Getting knocked out might work in your favor because you can ogle at the nurses' baps all you want, as you will be confined to a bed and not able to do much else really. And if any of them proves difficult, assure her that the medical research clearly shows this will aid a speedy recovery. No?

And back to our earlier scheduled reporting. Staring endlessly at breasts could also lead to your not looking forward while crossing the road and SPLAT! the 18 wheeler you never saw coming ended what was meant to be the start of 5 extra years, or less gruesome, you could fall down a manhole! So this study is very relative and rather inconclusive if you ask me but ladies, do understand if I happen to avoid your eyes and focus my attention on your chesticles. It's all in the name of science!

And in closing, I will say the research finally uncovered a mystery to us men, though. After years of wondering, question asking and amateur sleuthing, it has finally been uncovered (pun intended)!

I now know Victoria's Secret!

G'nite everybody!